Warning: Swears, sex jokes, violent jokes, poop jokes, a vomiting gif and ableism and antisemitism (not from me). Deffo NSFW. 

Well folks, this one took a while. Mostly because I wasn’t disciplined enough to do regular updates on this blog, but also because it’s Christmas temp season and I’m prioritising trying to get an actual income.

But enough about my financial instability, I bet you want to hear more about a lonely career gal who learns the true meaning of christmas via her untimely death!

♪ Tis the season to be jolly! ♪

You had one job!

This one is a real doozy. It almost gave me too much to work with.

For one, it’s full of actors who you’ll recognise but if someone was holding a gun to your head, you still couldn’t conjure the name of.

And pretty much the whole cast should really know better. But hey, we all have mortgages. Except you know… my entire generation.

First offender is Kristin Davis. 

I have watched a total of 1 episode of Sex and the City in my lifetime and I have to say… it’s a’right. Not my kind of thing, but I get why it was kind of a big deal at the time. It was one of the few shows to have developed female characters with sexual agency at its core and to also have any prestige, what with being on HBO.

Can I remember their names you ask? Well..

Uh…

There was Sexy,

Writey,

Lesby…

and Po.

Yeah it seems Davis drew the short straw post-SATC. Not only because she was the one that shits herself in the movie. No… really.

I now have a gif on my laptop saved as ‘charlotte_poops’. I’m so happy with my life choices.

So yeah, Davis didn’t quite develop the legacy that her co-stars did, and… probably for good reason. That’s not to say she’s not a capable actress. She suited playing Charlotte.

From what I gathered from the one episode I watched, her character is the romantic one who finds her real life experience with relationships doesn’t always fit her ideals. This is why these movies are kinda fitting. They have the ultimate meet-cutes and sweeping romances. The type that becomes so homogeneous once you’re watching them regularly to get material for your blog.

Hm.

I’m less convinced by Davis as the go-getter who’s let life pass her by and doesn’t make time for love. It doesn’t help that, I hate to say it, she is a little too old to play the role convincingly. Don’t get me wrong, I think there should be plenty of roles for women over 40, but I think they wrote her like a single 30-something more than someone on the verge of menopause. It would have been better if they had fit the character around her real age. Hell, that would have made a much more interesting story. That’s all I’m saying. No ageism here. No-siree!

Also it doesn’t help that’s she’s had so much botox she can’t look sad. She’s always so bright eyed. It’s slightly unsettling…

Okay I’m done now! I acknowledge people can do whatever they want with their own bodies. It’s just… look it has a tangible effect on her performance, okay?

I also think the choice of male lead for her to play off of is kinda weird. There is some chemistry, but it’s more in a ‘we’re in the same boat’ way, since they were both in big shows that lasted between the late 90s and mid 00s.

Enter Eric McCormack, better known as Will from Will and Grace (which I have never watched cause I’m a massive homophone obviously) and someone who can make this face.

C’mon it’s impressive! If Davis tried to do that, she would sprain her forehead!

Too far?

McCormack is age appropriate for Davis, but again not really for his character. He plays washed up musician Max, who’s given up on his dreams after the death of his sister/bandmate, but with his level of talent, it’s hard to really imagining him doing anything more than a tribute act.

He’s not the standard gormless pretty-boy-hunk-daddy that I’ve got so used to, so that was kind of refreshing, but his character can be so whiney and smug at times that it made him pretty insufferable towards the climax. 

And the cherry on top?

Nothing other than the presence of Academy Award winner Shirley MacLaine.

As a friend of mine put it, seeing “classic actors slumming it for a paycheck in dreary festive garbage” really is the true meaning of Christmas.

But if we’re going to explain MacLaine’s involvement in this, we have to work out what exactly went wrong by the only method I know how. Delving deep into her Wikipedia page… also because I like to jump to the personal life section. I’m that guy, okay?

I mean that’s fair enough. A lot of people are into that.

Whatever keeps her busy.

A little weird, but harmless enough.

NOPE.

Yeah, if there’s any explanation for MacLaine saying yes to this, then ‘she’s lost the plot and nobody respectable wants to work with her’ covers it.

The spirituality stuff does shed some light, as she plays a guardian angel helping guide Davis on her journey to being a Christmas angel (no really). But the movie has a very pro-Christian vibe to it that makes this revelation a little weird.

So we’ve got two prominent washed up TV actors and a batshit ex-Hitchcock muse. Let’s do this!

Obligatory landmark establishing shot! Though at least this time the location is relevant. Also just in case you wanted to kid yourself that Shirley MacLaine wasn’t in this, I’m sorry to burst your bubble.

Here we meet Eve, a successful but lonely, stocks-and-bonds fanatic who has honestly named her cat Forbes… cause, business.

Is this going to be her only character trait?

Oh god, I just realised the lead is called Eve. As in Christmas Eve.

LAME.

You’re in a Hallmark movie. Get used to it.

Okay, that’s actually pretty funny.

We see Eve at a typical day of work doing a Businessy Business McBusiness.

You can tell she’s a high flyer cause she’s got her feet on the desk!

Eve’s assistant comes in and is confused by the concept of green. Good help is so hard to find these days.

From the face you’re making, the same as a dead kitten.

NO IT ISN’T!

Moving on, she explains to her assistant how she’s going to make partner at this firm by signing on a new client by the new year and businessy business, stocks-n-bonds etc.

As Eve goes over her schedule for the day, we discover she’s prioritised her work over her family, because, as established, this is her only character trait.

Hey, that’s my job!

What you looking so smug for there, champ?

Eve gets around this by having her brother meet her in the conference room, because if she cancels on him again we won’t be introduced to this hunk of wet blanket, and we can’t have that now can we?

Oh great! He’s brought kids to the party too! This is just getting better and better!

It wasn’t actually cut this way, because… you know… that would have required some comic timing.

Anyway, as Eve tells her brother (Robert Moloney) about the major promotion she’s on the verge of getting, he berates her for being ambitious and financially stable, cause he knows what really matters, you know?

I’m really glad you told us what their relationship is again. It’s not like it’s already been firmly established several times. That’s just great writing.

Ughhhhhhhhhhh.

One of the most distracting things about Moloney is that he always looks like he’s on the verge of tears. Like, any moment he’s going to bust an emotional nut. Plus he’d definitely be one of those people it would feel real weird trying to console, and would totally expect a hug, then puts his face a little too close to your chest.

Eve’s brother continues to stick his tear-soaked nose is the businessy business that is thoroughly none of his, asking about her lovelife.

Uh…. you’re her bro, bro. Do you really want to know that?

For clarification, if there are any subtitles that are not kosher, they’ll be in yellow. I should also point out that I had to make all these subtitles myself because Channel 5’s streaming service didn’t have them for this film, clearly because they hate the hearing impaired and bad movie bloggers.

Calm down there Einstein, it’s not that good a clapback.

But of course, if there’s a mention of perpetual singleness something has to be done about it or the Hallmark Gods will demand a human sacrifice.

I smell a meet-cute!

Though someone needs to tell this movie it’s 2016, not 1990. Why are they meeting via ‘we want the same cab’?

And whodathunk, they’re ALSO going in the same direction! Yay!

Yes, I’ll take overdone trope for a 1000.

STOP.

Bitch, are you gonna tell me you’re so much of a city dweller, you don’t know what a tree is?

“She doesn’t understand my art, man!”

I feel you, buddy.

Nice nit-picky literalism there Eve. Are you sure you don’t write for CinemaSins?

More unfortunate for Max is that he’s on his way to an audition, but ultimately misses it when Eve redirects the cab.

Wait, is the show just called ‘Christmas Eve’? You couldn’t have come up with anything better? ‘Rock Around the Christmas Tree’?  ‘Mistletoe and Melodies’? I mean, these are lame suggestions, but they required an ounce of thought! How does this shot remotely convey there’s an audition for a Christmas Eve show?

Meanwhile, Eve is… back at her office apparently, getting the tip off from Carter (Daniel Bacon), her main rival for the partnership promotion, and a guy with a great case of ‘murder eyes’.

Probably.

She’s gonna get it, hey? 😏

Look I’m fully aware I’m missing some great shows to watch this garbage, but these Hallmark movies go down easy and are fun to take the piss out of. In seriousness though, who the fuck are you to be telling her this?

Oh you’re THAT guy.

Full offense, but that sounds like my personal idea of hell.

Are we not supposed to support her on this?

Now we’re off to see what has become of Eve’s cab-daddy.

Here we meet his 9 year old niece Baggage, I mean Baggage. No wait… I know this… her name is… Bagren. Lauren. Yeah, that’s what I said.

Oh boy! A fat-shaming, precocious little sod, my favourite!

Let him have his cake, kid. It’s December 2016, he’s probably not gonna last the next 4 years.

Anyway, it turns out cab-daddy works full time running a diner to provide for his niece, and because she’s a kid in a Hallmark movie, she’s an infuriating little angel whose only concern is the well-being of her hard-done-by uncle.

Said. No. Kid. EVER.

“Oh look at me I can calculate.” Show off -_-

Max attempts to distract her by stuffing her face full of Christmas spirit.

I hate you.

Since, I’ve already spoilt for you what Max’s damage is,  Baggage continues to wonder why he can’t just pick himself up and get the band back together with her dead mom.

Sureth, Janet.

No, I’ve seen the whole movie… he’s really not.

CHRIST ALMIGHTY.

Anyway, following this conversation Max goes home to angst over his dead sis and conjure some fond memories.

Like the time they were both poorly photoshopped together and then had it framed. Ashsgdfksdhlfj;daljfkhgdsfjkld

Meanwhile, concerned by her uncle’s unwillingness to pursue a career that is neither forgiving nor financially secure, Baggage brings out the big guns.

Don’t act like your name is anything other than Baggage.

This is a real sentence said in this movie. Tbf, I think you have too little faith in Santa there. I’ve seen him accomplish some much more convoluted “miracles” in other Hallmark titles.

Meanwhile meanwhile, Eve lets more of the Christmas spirit pass her by, because she doesn’t want to waste her money on useless crap or go into anaphylactic shock, and that’s bad apparently.

Oh christ, she has an honest to god catchphrase.

I promise I don’t steal all of my jokes from The Cinema Snob.

Eve wakes up in a mysterious location dressed all in white and next to her dead childhood cat.

Hmmmm 🤔 what could it mean??

AH! 😱

Anyway, Eve thinks she’s in a hospital cause she’s an idiot.

You have universal healthcare? My god, what kind of fantasy world would have that!?

I wish I did.

Pictured: Me watching 15 Hallmark Christmas movies in a row.

Geez, calm down there JonTron.

Eve apparently still hasn’t realised where she is and is babbling on about  Old Boy Murder-Eyes getting the partnership over her.

😏 😏 😏

ShE’s FuCkInG dEaD!!

sHe McFuCkIN DiEd!!

Adsskhfdgiusdfheiufiosjdfjlsdfjdslfk…. Correct. You are an ex-person.

Hey, don’t get me wrong, that does suck. But like… why isn’t the fact you’ll never see your family again not your first thought?

Movie, you just made that up.

I’m pretty sure you’re in a cult, ma dude.

A sex cult at that.

Hmmmmm….

You’re roping her in cause your understaffed? I want to know what cynical bastard thought that heaven might function like retail.

Hey, wait a minute!

Okay, either this is referencing other terrible movies, or chances are you can put the word ‘Christmas’ in front of anything and it’s probably a Hallmark movie.

I wonder…?

Soon.

Well, the movie’s given itself a deadline, so hopefully that means it will end.

Pearl (Shirley MacLaine) takes Eve back to the land of the living and fills her in on the deets of her mission.

Remember that folks, cause this movie sure likes to bring it up again and again and then never show you the consequences of breaking them. 

Cause I think most people thought that Shirley MacLaine was dead. 

Great start!

Hey Movie? You might want to make your central conflict a little less obvious.

I guess the memes are a thing now.

I don’t make the rules.

Anyway, Pearl takes Eve to her old residence, after a whole day of instructions apparently.

You’ve been dead for, how long? And you’ve only just thought of that??

“We could explore your relationship with your family and how to consolidate your grief and regrets, but that would get in the way of you boning Erik McCormack. So… get over it bitch.”

Tfw when you get a Christmas temp job and receive no training.

Pearl finally transports Eve to her assignment, which turns out to be cab-daddy Max. Well colour me surprised!

I swear these movies take normal pieces of dialogue and inject them with randomly generated, unnecessary Christmas-related nouns.

Moving on, Eve apologises for her behaviour in the taxi. Max asks why the change of heart, and she explains that she bumped her head.

*ominous music*

Eve tries to distract Max by asking him about his music.

He’s on the job, Eve. What do you think it’s sewn to his hand?

JUST A CITY GIRL

LIVIN’ IN HER LONELY WORLD

Max’s waitress asks about Eve because he’s never spoken to a woman apparently. 

Eve decides to get right to it, having only a week to fix all his problems. What are you, a potential girlf?

Well, at least this one makes for an easy drinking game.

Having failed to effectively penetrate Max’s many folds, he storms off because his main character trait is that he’s easily offended. Which is weird cause he’s a white, straight man and that never happens. (joke)

Well aren’t you a well-adjusted human being?

While Eve despairs at the hopelessness of her assignment, Pearl attempts to reassure her.

Jesus! What kind of skeletons does Eve have in her closet?

Then Eve remembers she has a cat, which should have been her absolute first thought, I take it back about the family.

Back to her apartment now, as Eve discovers her neighbour (with the sweater) has taken her chonk.

What’s wrong with you? If I found out there was a lonely floof next door I would be all over that, I wouldn’t give two shits about the owner dying.

Look, I like cats and that’s about 98% of my personality.

That is the single most “Bitch, you live like this?” look I’ve ever seen.

As Eve’s doubts seep in and she wonders if she has the generous soul to be an angel, Pearl assures her she has what it takes.

No, you said it wrong!

There we go.

At the diner now, returning to the adventures of Max and Baggage.

Movie? Your casual racism is showing… 

This is the closest we’re going to get to an actual joke, isn’t it?

We discover another part of Max’s damage is the fact that Baggage’s grandma (I’ve forgotten her name, so we’re just gonna call her Carol. She’s totally a Carol) wants to take Baggage to live with them for some reason.

It’s not a crack den, Carol!

Eve returns, and a scene earlier she discovered, as an angel, she can eat whatever she wants and not gain weight so she starts setting a good precedent for a young child.

Eve, she’s nine. You can’t make that kind of reference!

OH SNAP!

SHUT THE FUCK UP BAGGAGE.

Oh cool, make it about physical appearance rather than, yunno, health or anything.

Dammit, Baggage made me laugh.

Hey! I got there first!

Eve helps Baggage with some lines she’s been trying to learn for her school nativity, and then Max returns to give Eve the low-down on their tragic backstory.

By that I assume you mean Baggage.

I know, I wouldn’t want to be related to her either.

YOU JUST MET HER.

Whoa whoa whoa, we’re just going to jump over that devastating reveal?

I guess so.

Okay, to give the movie credit, not entirely. Pearl explains to Eve that she can look in on her loved ones but is supposed to never interact with them.

You’ve never actually outlined what the consequences of breaking those rules are. How is she supposed to have any incentive not to break them?

Anyway, Eve starts moaning about how bad an aunt and sister she was cause her independence and career ambitions are the work of Satan in the Hallmark universe. 

This screencap transcends all reality. I’m determined to make it a meme, on this blog if nowhere else.

Anyway, Eve shows up to Baggage’s play, which has to mean she’s banging Max according to everyone he knows.

Oh and Baggage’s performance goes off without a hitch, I guess.

I have a feeling we’re dealing with another case of a ‘Daddy needs to get laid’ kid. Or… Uncle in this case.

Eve meets Baggage’s grandparents and is given the lowdown on their personal business of wanting to whisk their granddaughter away. Bear in mind,  she’s someone they just met.

SHE. JUST. TOLD. YOU. THEY. ONLY. JUST. MET. JESUS. CAROL.

You know, I’ve said a lot about Baggage, but even I wouldn’t wish that fate on her.

Baggage buggers off with her parents leaving Eve and Max alone and with an opportunity to get cosy.

DING DING DING! Female lead cardinal sin!

I think getting a tree is like second base in these movies.

As per Hallmark, Eve and Max head to a tree farm and Eve plants a convoluted plot thread.

Hate to burst your sentimental bubble, but it looks pretty generic to me.

We meet the owner of the ranch/farm, whatever I don’t care, who drops the bomb that Max has quite the legacy in the music department despite being terrible.

America’s Got Music? AMERICA’S GOT MUSIC!? What other shows exist in the universe, Dancing with the C-listers? A Voice? 

Anyway, Max tells Eve about missing that audition and god I’m not sure I care anymore, I’m just trying to put these in context, k?

Oh, so even you didn’t get further than ‘Christmas Eve’ from that?

Nah don’t be. You did the world a favour.

He also unloads all of his angst about his dead sister on someone he met 3 days ago, cause he’s a sane person clearly.

I really hope this isn’t a Carpenters situation.

That is tragic.

Let me guess… the roads were icy?

WOOP THERE IT IS!

Are you sure it was important to you before?

I can’t really translate this with screencaps, but Eve just stops listening to Max bearing his soul and looks up to the most poorly CGI’d snow and it’s fucking hilarious.

Is it?

Whoever animated that clearly hasn’t.

UGhhhhhahssafhsdhjasldasjldd

AH!

Jesus Pearl, stop Slendermanning.

NO YOUR REFERENCE IS OUTDATED!

What is he supposed to take from this face?

You seem like the kind of people that wouldn’t do that any other time of the year.

How is she supposed to explain why she looks like she’s being dragged away?

Pearl gives her it for flirting with Max and then the movie eats its own tail.

No, but seriously how? This angel program doesn’t make sense. I don’t think these movies should have to spoon feed us this stuff but you’re a Hallmark movie. I need to believe I’m smarter than you or I won’t get the dopamine.

Eve leaves the childhood wreath on her brother’s doorstep and he still doesn’t manage to change his facial expression. 

Get fucked!

Meanwhile, Max is channeling all his sexual frustration into his guitar.

I didn’t.

Max shut up! Your self-deprecation is ruining my snark!

ON THIS ROAD AGAIN!

Meanwhile, meanwhile Eve decides to spy on her assistant because she’s doing so well to learn to appreciate life outside of her work, obviously.

Bitch, u r dead! Want your clients back? Be undead.

Anyway, she goes to her old desk and then we get this shot.

Does her brother ever smile?

The next day, Eve meets Max at the charity thing so he can prove he’s a sensitive sally and get into her pants, but then she gets harassed by some doggos cause they can sense angels or something.

Have I mentioned I hate this?

Ha.

@Max 👀 she what now

This is genuinely how these lines are cut together btw. Max just randomly says this with no prompting.

Anyway, they get onto the subject of what a terrible sister Eve is, and Max sticks his foot in it.

Too soon?

Same tbh.

Eve heads over to Max’s place, and since charity work is the greatest aphrodisiac in Hallmark land, decorating must be the foreplay.

Baggage… there’s a real little girl playing you and I don’t want to make her feel bad, but God do I hate you.

As Eve tucks her in bed, Baggage begins to reminisce about her dead parents.

No shit.

I wouldn’t be so sure about that.

I’m sorry.

Anyway, Maxipad finally gets Eve alone and the sexual tension is really simmering to a sultry 3 degrees.

Stay in your lane, Baggage!

Max starts to catch on that Eve is hiding something, what with the fact she doesn’t want to spend every waking moment with him.

On the inside, yes.

He’s going to have to if his niece keeps inviting you to things.

Well that was easy!

Gullible to the Max escorts Eve outside and things really start to heat up.

Don’t worry, I do this to myself every year.

Oh yay!  The traditional coercion plant!

I’m guessing it’s been a while, hey Max? 😏

We stan a cock-blocking queen.

Finally, the movie tells us what the actual consequences are for the rules its set up.

Oh. So this is less about causing a disruption in the cosmos and more about sparing Eve eternal heartbreak.

Huh. That actually makes sense.

So yeah, essentially anything Eve does now won’t be remembered when the job is done, but the effects of it will still be in place…. which doesn’t explain why she can’t see her family but, whatever.

The movie then runs out of plot apparently and turns into a clipshow. 

No, seriously. We just watched this.

Moving on, not like this movie really wants to, Eve begins to research Max’s showbiz past.

Again, this screencap cannot do justice. The obvious greenscreen… the terrible song… just watch the damn movie already!

Meh, neither of those things are all they’re cracked up to be. Maybe Max is smarter than we think.

Anyway, Eve gets back on to regrets and makes everything about her again.

For God sake, how many times do I have to say this? You’re a career driven female lead in a Hallmark Christmas movie!

Same, Pearl, same.

Fam you have no idea. If I was actually drinking along to this, I would probably be on my eighth snowball.

I call bullshit! I’m pretty sure most people have a person they wish they’d never cared for. What fantasy are you living i… oh yeah.

Eve shows up to the diner do and is dressed to impress despite the fact she knows fully well she can’t mac it with her assignment.

I’m sorry I keep doing this, but this time the screencaps really CANNOT do justice to the beauty of this scene.

The awkward dancing, the weird sound design, the cringe-worthy pop-punk cover of ‘Deck the Halls’…

You know what, go to 48:39 on this link https://www.my5.tv/a-heavenly-christmas

Or

53:58 on this link https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPW96iUcxqM&t=3s

And if you want to check out the shitshow that was the ‘America does covet music’ song, go to 47:14 https://www.my5.tv/a-heavenly-christmas

Or 52:27 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPW96iUcxqM&t=3s

The whole gang exchange gifts and it turns into a ‘how thick can we lay this on’ fiasco.

Can… can you afford that? I mean I guess, it’s just… by all you know about this woman, she can afford to replace her phone.

he he

Gross Eve!

You know what, I dick on Baggage but she’s the smoothest wingman I’ve seen so far… or wingchild?

Eve has a special gift for Baggage, but has to taunt her beforehand with some corny drivel.

Meanwhile, Baggage’s grandparents come by to say THE SAME GODDAMN THING THEY’VE BEEN SAYING ALL MOVIE, WE GET IT ALREADY!

Whoa, harsh Carol! No kid deserves Florida! You must hate her as much as me.

Max acts defeated about it, but Eve tries to encourage him.

What IS so bad about that? Doesn’t it  mean she has a job as soon as she’s old enough? Is it a brothel on Wednesdays or something?

Baggage attempts to distract Eve from her Uncle’s lack of game with a plate of cookies.

OH SNAP!

Oh god, are you gonna pull a whole ‘kids can see angels cause of the purity in their hearts’ schtick?

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhaudohsuafhasjlask.kzcxm

Why exactly is heaven letting this happen? Doesn’t this totally give the game away? I’m acting like this movie is even really trying.

Sick of talking to a kid, Eve agrees to dance with Max.

HEY HEY HEY! Make room for Jesus you two! You’re probably going to encounter him at some point the way this is going.

Oooooooh! Pearl’s gonna let you have it now!

Hey, where are you going?

LOOK WHAT YOU MADE THEM DO!

Haha… it’s funny cos… never mind.

Something tells me he would taste like leather and she would taste like play-doh.

Pearl explains to Eve that she wants to save her an eternity of heartbreak because her husband is still living and being pursued by thirsty Grandmas.

Lmao, isn’t eternal possessiveness cute?

Max then calls cause that boy can’t keep it in his pants.

It’s not that weird dude. Also, have they explained the ‘angels can’t cry’ thing yet? Again, they don’t have to spoon feed us,  but if they mention something specific in the lore, it has to come up again. It’s the rules. Rules have consequences if you break them, movie, like a lonely graduate picking apart your easy target for her own validation.

Anyhoo, Eve meets up with an old client who JUST SO HAPPENS to own the venue Max wanted to audition for and despite being in contact with her recently, has not heard about her untimely death. 

No. They really weren’t. 

Pretty sure that’s not gonna help. 

*ominous music*

Oh god, that line’s gonna rhyme with Christmas Eve, isn’t it?

Eve shows up at Max’s place to tell him the good news, and show that actually making connections generally helps in the music business, you dope. 

But Max has to get angsty cause we’re reaching the end of the second act and we need… wait for it… 

Oh put a lid on it edgeboy! 

So yeah, maybe he associates his music with the trauma of his dead sister, but the only way to deal with that is to reclaim it. And, tbh his character isn’t really compelling enough for me to care. 

Me too, and yet I’m still watching this movie. 

Baggage comes home with the gramps and drops a bomb. 

Fucking ice cold, Baggage! 

Oh yeah that’s healthy, now he has a more age appropriate woman to be his emotional anchor and make fix all his problems. 

Bye Felicia! 

How do you know that Eve? What evidence do you have? Sure as an audience we know she just wants Max to be happy, but the movie never really indicated Eve knew. 

They’ll be worse things she’ll be doing than slamming doors, ma dude. 

Wow, they must really have hated him. 

Wait, why exactly does this guy deserve to be happy? 

I’m pretty sure I’ve peppered these reviews with enough “sure, Jan”s. 

alexa this is so sad play jingle bells by the singing dogs

After his tantrum, Max has a breather and tries to serenade his niece. 

I’m with Baggage on this one. Really? 

…said…no…kid…ev…why do I bother anymore? 

Moving on, Eve unveils her royal fuck up to Pearl.

Is that supposed to be cute? Cause it sounds kinda manipulative. 

Pearl goes on to say that it’s clear Eve has real feelings for Max. 

Hallmark.

Eve, this isn’t the same. Pearl was married to her husband 35 years, you’ve only been maccing it with leather daddy for like 5 days.

Did y’all all spend the night in the freezer? Damn that’s cold! 

So despite his total guilt trip, Max decides to follow Eve’s lead. 

And whatdoyaknow…

Awesome sauce

Anyway, Max gives it to his in laws, telling them they can’t pry Baggage away from his cold dead hands. 

I don’t think Florida is a better kind of different Carol. 

Wait, who the fuck are you? Have you said a word this entire movie?

Eve shows up despite Max being a dick, and Max is all forgiving now cause he worked out that her companionship and connections benefit him, probably. 

I disagree immensely. This movie has gone on for forever in my eyes. 

Hey, in Hallmark movie terms, you’ve been together practically a decade. 

LMAO. 

Anyway, with Max’s life back on track, Eve’s assignment as an angel is complete, much to her chagrin. 

Wait… is this the only reason you put the whole ‘angels can’t cry’ lore in? Just to show us when she wasn’t an angel anymore? 

Did I mention she’s not an angel anymore? 

You don’t say! 

Wait, did you plan this from the start? Then what was all that shite about ‘putting her to work here’ if she won’t be able to remember any of it? 

UGGGHHHHHHH.

*ominous music*

Anyway, Eve wakes up from a coma in full hair and make-up to a familiar face. 

AH! 

What straight away? Not gonna have a doctor check her or anything? 

Oh so we’re going to launch straight into this? Not build it up or anything? Whatever you want movie. I’m just glad it’s almost over. 

Suck a dick! 

Well, with a new lease on life, Eve begins to amend her ways and… goes straight back to work. 

Hm. 

We see Palace Patrick again who will be the make-or-break of Eve’s promotion, but it turns out her fever dream did have some impact on her, even if she can’t remember it. 

Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?

Burn. 

Well that was easy! 

Eve meets her assistant, and instead of promoting her for keeping things afloat, she just decides to mess her up. 

Great! Now all her work was for nothing. 

Well that’s a broad stroke. 

Hilarious.

Wait, did you forget you have other competitors out there? Like… not in-company ones?

Finally, it’s Christmas Eve concert time and unfortunately, everything Eve did as an angel is still in place, so Max does have a spot on the line up. 

Hey movie…?

Movie, the band just started playing. Why is there a standing ovation? Did a bot write this? 

It really is just called ‘Christmas Eve Concert’. What a creative title. 

You got big as a regular on a sitcom and then your show ended. It happens to a lot of TV actors. Got revived though, you lucky mug. 

Stop making excuses! 

REALLY? 

With the crowds practically eating his ass, Max contemplates his newfound success, while Eve forgot her scarf in the theatre. 

And… 

I smell a second meet-cute! 

Oh yeah, so for some reason Pearl cancelled out the disastrous cab-ride even though that was before Eve’s accident. Because who needs consistent structure. 

It’ll be Christmas day, Eve! They most likely have their own plans…

YOU JUST MET HER… AGAIN! 

Christmas Day is here and Eve is making amends to all she has wronged. 

And despite meeting yesterday on this timeline, Max is here and ready to get his rocks off. 

h a .

FUCK. OFF. 

Yeah, truly breathtaking.

AH JESUS CHRIST, PEARL STOP! 

Kids love watching their relatives maccing it with strangers. 

Who the fuck is that? 

Don’t act like you really had rules! 

Wait so this is the dead sister? Okay….

That means A) Eve wasn’t hallucinating B) there must have been like 20 years between her and Max and C) Pearl was willing to bring back Eve but not the dead sister.

That’s fucked up.

SHE SAID IT! 

I sure hope this has been worth the wait, because, you know, you’ve all been so eager for my next installment. 

A Heavenly Christmas is a good one for straight-to-TV fanatics like myself, mostly because it has enough ‘I know you from somewhere’ to get you on Wikipedia and miss the rest of movie. It’s not SUPER polished like other Hallmark affairs as to make it completely homogenous.

It is batshit and all over the place, but that’s the way I like them. It’s lack of production values give it a real ‘so bad it’s good’ charm and the cast that should know better are an added bonus. It was slow to review cause I had a lot to work with, but not necessarily to watch.

11/10 Highly recommend for your bad movie nights.